While discussing a bill on the phone with a company that had made a mistake in applying previous payments to my account, I was overwhelmed with the grief of his passing. I began to shake and could barely talk to the representative on the telephone.

Sometimes, grief hits us in these least expected of moments. I wonder how many such moment still lie ahead.

Do I want to be closer to God? Yes. I do. Do I look for ways to make that happen? Yes. I have. I think that perhaps it is passion and fervor and a fire in the spirit that is lacking. I know of numerous spiritual exercises that will help to put me in the right frame of mind and spirit to make and encounter with God possible. However, it just doesn’t seem as if I have the energy or the desire to pursue them. Yet, there is still a since of wanting to come into God’s presence.

When I look back over the last year, I see numerous signs of God’s moving in my life and in my ministry. I am especially awed by the prayer ministry that is developing at the Virginia Avenue UMC. This is something I felt led to begin and it has taken on a life of its own. Not fueld by me, but fueld by God. I am seeing my members get enthused and want to keep the prayer groups going. I am hearing of their involvement in daily prayer and scripture reading. I am seeing the Spirit move in their lives. I guess I’m wishing and praying for that same type of movement in my own.

   My initial response was one of elation. A person has decided to make a profession of faith and be baptized. Hallelujah! My next thought, after hanging up, “When was the last time that I baptized an adult?” Sure, in the United Methodist Church, we baptize infants. They grow up and are confirmed. Occasionally, there is a teen that comes from another faith tradition that wants to make a profession of faith and join the church. They are baptized at that point. But, I cannot recall ever baptizing an adult in my 26 years of ministry! That is a sad commentary on ministry as a whole.

    I say it is a sad commentary, because, statistics tell us that there are other adult men and women that have never made professions of faith and been baptized. My question is, “Why don’t they come to church? Why don’t they come under the influence of the church so that they can make this life changing decision?” My answer, in part, is “What does the church do to reach them?”

   Just last Sunday night at my other church, I made a comment following the evening service, that there were far too few people being baptized in the United Methodist Church. There was a hearty agreement from the person I was talking with. You have to understand something about this particular church. It has a baptistry. Not a baptismal font ( although it also has one of those.) I think that by the very fact that there is a baptistry in this church it says something. From its beginning, this church has expected that adults would come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, profess their faith in Christ, and enter into the waters of Baptism. At their core, this church, even though its has been years since an adult baptism, expects such things to happen.

   Now before my United Methodist brothers and sisters get all upset, I know that there are three modes of baptism: sprinkling, pouring, and immersion. I know that each are all equally valid. If you knew me personally, you would know the importance that I place upon the sacraments. I say these things, though, because there is a part of me that thinks our actions sometimes guide our belief. Perhaps, we as the church, and the pastors that lead it, need to be more active at not simply getting folks that are already Christian to join with our church, but to actually get out there and tell people about Jesus Christ and have adults coming to Christ and receiving the Sacrament of Baptism.

   Needless to say, I have been pondering the words of my conversation and I am looking forward to the upcoming Sunday when this man publicly professes his faith and receives the Sacrament of Baptism.

One of the things that keeps bugging me, however, is the direction of my ministry with the churches I serve. In some ways I feel as if I have hit a roadblock. I feel as if I and the churches are in the same old rut that we’ve been following for years. Over the last few weeks, I have been pondering the solution to this dilemma. I have been led to some books that I have had on my shelves for years. One in particular, Ministry Nuts and Bolts-What They Don’t Teach Pastors in Seminarywritten by Aubrey Malphurs and published in 1997 by Kregel Publications, has caught my attention. The premise of the book is that churches, pastors, and church leaders without a clear set of core values will be unable to effectively pursue ministry. I spent last night and early this morning listing some of the values that I have observed in my churches and refining those that I seek to utilize in my ministry. Needless to say, it has been enlightening.

    At the current time, I will only share with you what I have learned about myself. Mind you, these are first impressions that are open to revision and change as I continue to ponder and pray about them. This is the first time, however, that I have tried to put on paper the values that I feel underlie my ministry. I list them now in no particular order of importance.

• I believe in the sacraments.
• I believe in the ministry of the laity
• I believe in the role of the pastor as equipper
• I believe in the centrality of the Scriptures
• I believe in the structure and doctrine of the United Methodist Church
• I believe a church must be active and relevant in its community setting.
• I believe that the pastor and laity working together run the church.
• I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to gift individuals for ministry.
• I believe in the uplifiting power of corporate worship.
• I believe in seeking God through varied spiritual disciplines and techniques.
• I believe that open and honest dialog allows God to guide a church’s leaders.
• I believe that innovation and technology can change a church’s ministry.
• I believe that true fellowship builds up the body of Christ.
• I believe that servant evangelism can reach people for Christ.
• I believe that God and family come before the church.

  In the weeks ahead, I plan to ask the leaders of my churches to define their core values and then to begin the process that allows us to define the core values of our churches. Please pray for me as I undertake this endeavor.

August 2007 began as any other month. Before it was over, my life would be radically changed. I came into the month feeling good about myself and my relationship to God. By the end of the month I had personally come as close to death as I had ever come.

It began with what they thought was a sinus infection. It grew into a greater than 104 degree fever that put me in the hospital for nearly a week. I was saved by a doctor that saw the signs that indicated my organs were shutting down. His quick actions saved me. A week later and bags of IV’s and antibiotics in my system—I was set free. I was alive, but I was not the same. My spiritual life was gone. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t focus. I just barely was able to work through the routines of daily life.

By November, I had suffered numerous panic attacks. I had difficulty being in groups of people. This was difficult for me—a pastor that had to engage people on a regular basis. The doctor diagnosed me as depressed. Medication was prescribed and I began 2008—medicated and mellow. Yet, I was still not able to make that connection with God that I had had prior to the illness.

I muddled my way through Advent, Epiphany, Lent and Easter. Then it happened again. Just two days after Easter I was once again hospitalized with a fever. My organs were again beginning to shut down. More IV’s. More antibiotics. Like the first time there was no definitive diagnosis. Something just happened. After five or six days, I went home again. The doctor had pronounced me cured. Life had to go on. Needless to say, the depression didn’t get any better. The medication continued. I was told I needed to stay on it for 9-12 months. I still had about 6 more months of drug induced mellowness to go before I could see if life would come back to normal.

The latter half of 2008 brought me to a new church—sort of. I had been serving Virginia Avenue a large church and Macedonia a small church. In May the District Superintendent asked me to give up Macedonia and to take on Falls Mills. Falls Mills was nearly as large as Virginia Avenue. Falls Mills was also going through a church split and about half the worshipping body had followed the pastor to another church. Many thought I was crazy to take such an assignment. No one knew of my depression. Strangely enough, however, I had a sense of peace about the whole situation. My thoughts going it were, “I can’t make things any worse than they already are.”

The Good News is that I didn’t make things worse. As a matter of fact, they helped me to get better and I helped them to heal some rather open wounds. Perhaps we both needed each other and God put us together at just the right time.

Meanwhile, my work load virtually doubled and, try as I might to balance things out, I was not able to do so. I worked too long some weeks and other weeks I sort of just coasted along. As the end of the year approached, I faced other medical issues. I had to have a kidney stone blasted out during December. It took a few days to get over that one and the pressure of Advent was still upon me. I made it through, with God’s help and grace.

As the new year dawned. Other medical problems beset me. I began having pains in my chest. I attributed them to esophageal spasms. The doctor couldn’t be sure. Two overnight admissions and a heart catheterization later, my diagnosis was confirmed. And suddenly Lent was upon me.

By this time, there were stirrings again within my soul. I was beginning to feel God’s presence again. Information on A River Deep and Wide came to my attention and I decided I must go. I was scared. I’d have to leave my wife home with the four boys for a week. She’d have to get them to soccer and school and then get herself to work. Things worked out. I traveled to Nashville and now, I am writing again. Posts are appearing on the blog and I can begin to see new possibilities where at one time, I saw only blank options.

I am not yet back to where I need to be. The Good News is, however, that I am on the way. They river has caught me in its currents once again and I am riding on its deep and wide currents once again.

Working until 3:00 am cleaning a house that had been our home for the last five years was difficult. We were leaving behind a group of people that we had come to love and that had come to love us. Even now, as we hurriedly cleaned, our four sons were asleep on the floor of the home of one of our friends.

Our friends, there with us on and off as we did the last minute cleaning, finally said.  “It’s late. It’s time for you to go. We’ll finish the clean up.” With tears we said our goodbyes.  We got the children, still sleeping, from their mats on the floor. We packed them into two cars and took off to a distant place that we had only seen once. 

Upon arriving, there were open arms. There were smiles there were hugs. We were now strangers standing in the midst of strangers. Strangers took our kids and let them play at their home with their children. We unpacked our belongings in the midst of these strangers and moved into our new house.

Some three and a half years later, the house is our home. And the people that were strangers are our friends. They have taken us in and we have become one of them. There have been times of struggle and growth along the way. We have learned about each other. We have supported each other. We have cried and even said some good-byes.  

Perhaps this is what it was like for God as he took in that unruly bunch of Egyptian slaves. He welcomed them and became their God. They learned about him and became his people.

“I will take you as my people, and I will be your God.” Exodus 6:7

Jim is a United Methodist Pastor in the Los Angeles area. He is rather forthright and at times quite brusque. Perhaps this is what I like about him. He tends to have things on his mind and he isn’t shy about sharing them with you. Such openness is rare among United Methodist Clergy. Perhaps, he is only this way because he is many mile from California. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, though, and assume that he is this way all the time.

We have had some quite interesting conversations on life in the ministry as we compared the California/Pacific Conference and the Holston Conference. Both of us have been inquisitive as to the others life and ministry. Today, at lunch I said I needed to go to the Upper Room and purchase some materials. He said, “Wait a minute. I’ll go with you.” So Jim and I and a Canadian pastor walked across the road to the Upper Room.

When it was time to leave we stepped outside. A rain shower was winding down, so we began to talk. I could tell, though, that something was on Jim’s mind. Rather than being forthcoming and straightforward, he began to sort of hem and haw and beat around the bush. Back inside Gibson Hall, he finally shared what was on his heart. I am glad that he did. It seems as if he had been listening very closely to what I had been saying about life in Holston Conference and my dreams and aspirations. He suggested that perhaps those dreams won’t always come true—not necessarily from any shortfalls on my part, but simply because of the way things were in an Annual Conference. I did not disagree with his analysis. He then said, “That might cause some pain inside a person.” I agreed that it did. He then said, “Sometimes it’s good to have another pastor friend to share that pain with.” In that moment he was the new friend from a different annual conference that had looked into my heart and seen the pain that resided there. He let me give voice to those ambitions that may not happen. For that I am very grateful.

Welcome to the Avenue (the church)

Some people are on the other side of the tracks. They do not know Jesus Christ and have know realy knowledge of the church.

Some people are driving down the avenue. They are the seekers. They have some interest in things of the Spirit and might even know about the church and its mission and ministry, but they have not yet stopped the car and got out to explore.

Some people are strolling on the avenue. These people have stopped the car. They have probably expressed their faith in Jesus Christ–although some may not have done so. These people walk the avenue. The know its smells. They know how it feels. They have tasted the goodness that is available on the avenue.

Some people have bought a home on the avenue. They have committed their lives to Jesus Christ and they have moved into the neighborhood. They’ve begun to set up their home and get comfortable. They talk with other homeowners and seek to make life good for those on the avenue.

Finally, there are those people that have come to love the avenue. They have become so at home that they want to invite others to come and experience the same neighborhood that they live in. They want people to begin to see life from their perspective–that of the avenue–and they want to go across the tracks and tel people about the avenue. They signal for the cars to slow down and experience the avenue. They ask the strollers to come on in and help them tell others about the avenue.

I was wondering. Which one of these best describes you and your relationship to the avenue?

  In the middle of the night I was awakened with the verse from Isaiah “…by his stripes we are healed.” Coming from my charismatic background, I knew what this passage meant. It means that the stripes Jesus received in his flogging can provide healing for me.  Last night Dr. Thomas Thangaraj encouraged us to re-read the text. I suppose that in the middle of the night my spirit was re-reading the text.

The same words that I had learned 30 years ago suddenly took on new meaning in the middle of the night. I suddenly saw that while I had thought of this passage in terms of physical healing, that perhaps I should see it more readily in terms of spiritual healing. Why was Jesus flogged? As part of the crucifixion process. Why was he crucified? For my sins and so that I could have a new relationship with God-a spiritual relationship. The revelation for me was that while it can refer to physical healing, more imminently it refers to the spiritual healing that comes immediately when we come into a salvific relationship with Jesus Christ.